Why won't Sarah Palin just go away!!?? Just go away! Please!

I've added a disclaimer to this post. I LOVE DEMONIZING ALBERTA. It gives me such great pleasure to just rip into it like a hungry wolf into the ribs of a deer. Oh it's a rush. That being said, I don't feel all Calgarians, or all Albertans are complete morons, or even Sarah Palin supporting conservatives. But I do believe that there is a higher concentration of them in this province than in others, perhaps all others. And as the Wild Rose party continues to win support out there I think it demonstrates that this province is becoming a political monoculture.

There is a place where America's most conservative politicians, its failed leaders and its most ignorant and misinformed political warthogs can be welcomed like heroes, and that place is Alberta. The first speaking engagement that George W. Bush was whisked away to, immediately upon escaping impeachment for 8 years of outrageously bad decision making, was Calgary Alberta. After handing the company car over to Obama, upholstery stained, axle bent, engine sputtering and muffler dragging from 8 years of reckless driving, the first people who wanted to hear how he did it all were the proud business leaders of the Wild Rose province. Oil oozing from their saliva glands, ten gallon hats bobbing in agreement as he imparted his wisdom, a rare kind of wisdom that divides nations, destroys economies, and fills hearts with paranoia and fear.

Yes many Albertans couldn't wait to hear how he took a surplus budget and turned it into record deficits, or how he pushed forward an education plan that punishes the communities that need help the most. The crowd in Calgary hung on his every word as he detailed just how important they, and their Alberta oil was to the future of this continent. The Albertans and George were truly good friends. Because they shared values, folksy old time values.

If you're an Albertan, I encourage you to question just how much more conservative you're willing to let your province become.

Fast forward to present day.

Sarah Palin, failed Republican vice-presidential candidate and resigned Alaskan senator turned self-promoting Fox News personality, recently filled Albertan's hearts with joy- perhaps as they recalled memories of that fantastic evening with Bush. Palin showered the crowd with praise and familial encouragement "We have that independent, pioneering spirit, still, just coursing through the veins of the people who choose to live here, and who choose to live in Alaska."

She must be referring to that poineering spirit of old time traditional values. Or that pioneering spirit that people who can't handle being a part of a progressive pluralistic society i.e. "the city", posses. They pioneer their way deeper and deeper into the unsustainable suburban wasteland, finding comfort in their uniform and unchallenged values.

That independent pioneering spirit that inspires Alberta's oil companies to use all the province's pure water to get all its oil (er...tar) out of the sand. It's that folksy pioneering spirit that inspires oil companies, the engine of Alberta's wealth, to leave black toxic tailing ponds lying around for birds to land in because they failed to pioneer a system to clean it up. That pioneering spirit that says all our problems can be solved if we only "Drill baby drill!"instead of taking the time to innovate, adapt, change and lead.

Yes, Alberta really bothers me. And that's a shame because my family comes from there and many of my aunts, uncles and cousins and friends (whom I love and respect) live there, but any place that enthusiastically embraces the idiocy AKA the "folksy values"and the achievements AKA "failures" of people like Sarah Palin and G.W. Bush is a place that clearly has a lot of people with their heads up their asses. And a friend of mine pointed out that in fact the response to these two visits was not all cheers and rose pedal welcomes, but most articles I looked at seemed to indicate a pretty enthusiastic welcome for Palin.

One young girl at the Calgary Palin event summed it up nicely in the National Post:

"I just think she's great, I don't have cable, I like her values"
Let me just use Google Translate tools so we can translate that to modern English...(give me a sec here)

OK

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"I just think she's great, I don't have cable, I like her values"

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Translate From: English (Rural Conservative Inbred Dialect)
Tranlsate To: English (Modern)

English(Modern)

"I think she's great, I live in darkness and ignorance, good people with values are always only religious people who like oil"

WOW Google Translate is amazing! The grammar and sentence structure is a little wonky but it's very intutitive. I'd love using it to translate talking points from people like Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, or general morons who make it on TV. Usually I can't understand the comments these people make, but Google Translate adds some context and reads between the lines so we can understand the thinking behind it all.

I'll have to incorporate it more often in the Asteroid now blog...

Alberta, please don't make Palin or Bush fly over our British Columbia airspace or travel across our beautiful province to come enlighten you again. If you need to hear their pearls of wisdom you can save some money and get it here or here.

Asteroid now